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blankasees in ninepatch9

SKEPTIC Post and reply #1


(Frances here. I am writing her in an effort to begin an echange of some kind in our community blog.)

Last month I posted a piece on 3-16 about how I was angry at my husband and doubted his motives for visitng an old girlfreind and her daughter at Easter.
Following that, a blog-reader friend, Carol, and I had a discussion about being a skeptic.

In pieces, I plan to reconstruct our exchange for you. First, here is my initial post followed by Carol's initial comment to me.

"If you cheat on me, I will make you pay before I forgive you."

I know a person is supposed to forgive and to find love in one's heart for the person who has hurt you. When we were dating I listened hard to stories he told about his mother and father because patterns repeat. I also questioned him about his other marriages. ( Yes I said, " Marriages".)

I reasoned that he had lived single for nearly 30 years and not had a girlfriend for 20. in gathering information about this period of his life, I came to the conclusion he had "worked through" whatever tuff caused him trouble in his early marrying.

The other thing he had in his favor is he is old. He is fourteen years my senior and though he's not finished in the sex department, he is definitely slowing down. (That works for me. It seems the time I feel the most sexy is when I am single. I can't figure that out, but it is nonetheless true.)

I got all riled because he is using an old girlfriend's e-mail handle when he is playing chess. I thought it mighty odd and immediately began to wonder about his driving over a hundred miles to spend holidays with her even though I am committed to our church here for Easter. It makes me mad. I feel like I "should " go along to "protect my rights". Phooey! Why should I have to!!

It's tough when patterns repeat. 25 years ago, I was working full time and raising two kids-- one of whom was handicapped. I fell into bed most nights right after the boys were tucked in. When he first got a rare job, teaching in a teacher in a district a 45 minute drive away, I hauled the boys out for faculty parties and sitting in cold benches watching Freshman football. I soon gave up. Tired fussy kids put me over the top since I had already put in a long day, myself. However, my teacher husband seemed to have endless energy. He took on coaching: football, and golf. He also worked with the yearbook. All these were extra pay, but also which devoured after school time. Often on Friday he'd just say he was going out Friday with "the boys". Sometimes I roused when he came rolling in, but more often I was dead to the world. It was not until I decided to divorce him that I finally could see there was more happening than "working late". I hate myself for being such a chump.

Nowadays, I find traveling and long visits exhausting. Still, before we were married I did the usual holiday visits. I reasoned these folk had remained his family long after they had parted ways as romantic partners. At first I went along playing first "good sport" then "good wife."

I tried resting at the home we visited, or reading a book there. Also we got a motel room to cut down time in the car: four hours, one way. I was still beat. No kids, now, but I have a part-time job, a house to keep up and an active social life. Putting out that energy hardly seemed worth it to me. So, at Christmas I did not go.

Now he's using her e-mil name and also planning on driving down for an Easter visit. Maybe it is all in my head. (Maybe.) However, it doesn't seem right to me and I am hopping mad.


I am praying for you, dear friend.